Homor

Fishing Humor

First Known photo of Michael Phelps:

June 15, 2007

Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community

The appearance of a shiny, bobbling object in the water of the Brule, just upstream of the big sunken oak stump, is generating considerable interest among members of the fish community, river sources reported Monday.

redneck measuring tape:

Top 20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX... courtesy of Jim "Lead Rod" Boland, Sr.

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish
by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without
getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest
of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just
Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

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Fishing Funnies

Fishing - What most of us do instead of CATCHING

Bassboat - A large hole in the water for you to pour your money into. Usually requires a new pickup to pull it.

Fisherman - A jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk on the other.

Clear Water - What comes out of the Ozarks bottles on a hot fishing day

Dirty Water - What you drink from the bottom of the ice chest when all the bottled water is gone on a hot fishing day

Point - What everyone does at the ramp when you forget to put the plug in. (sometimes "laugh" goes with point)

Point (2nd definition) - The part of a hook you can't see when it is imbedded in your finger

Stick up - What happens to you if you are alone after dark at a boat ramp

Finesse Fishing - Talking your wife into letting you go.

Flat - What you get on the way home from the lake

Cut - What you do to get the hook out of your finger

Jig - What you do when your wife finds you at the bar instead of the boat ramp.

Line - What you give your wife when you come back late from fishing.

Backlash - What you get from your wife after you give her your line.

Bed - The place you will not get to sleep if your wife doesn't believe your line.

Doghouse - Your new home if your wife doesn't believe your line.

Lure - What tackle makers use to get your money.

Tackle Shop - The place where more bass are caught and more deer killed, than any other place on
earth.

Crankbait - A lure designed specifically for catching boat carpet, landing nets, and thumbs

Favorite bait - The one you caught your last fish on.

Tackle box - A contraption designed to tangle all of your lures together into one giant ball.

Sunny beach - The guy that is fishing in your spot

Bass Hole - The guy that horns in on the spot you are fishing

Reel - How big you wish your last bass was.

Confidence - What you would have if you actually caught a fish, but that you need in order to catch that dam Bass in the first place.

Milk-Run(s)- What you get when you forgot about your lactose intolerance and ate too much ice-cream.

Flip and Pitch (as in "a fit")- What your wife does when she finds out the real cost of your equipment.

Twitch twitch, pause - The end of a good whizz

Texas Rig - '65 Chevy pulling a battered 14 foot LoneStar with a 5 hp Evinrude with two adults and six kids piled in to go catfishin'.

Trolling Motor - Gift given to wife for the 10th Wedding Anniversary

BassMaster - One who has donated all his worldly possessions and money to his Master- the bass.

The Fisherman's Motto's

Early to bed...early to rise...fish all day...make up lies

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot

I'm great at fishing, just not so good at catching

A bad day of fishing is still better than a good day at work!

A reel expert can tackle anything

A woman who has never seen her husband fishing, doesn't know what a patient man she married!

The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake

Good things come to those who wade

When in doubt, exaggerate......

There is no such thing as too much equipment

An old fisherman lives here...with the catch of his life

Born to Fish...Forced to Work !

Fish or cut bait...!

Fish tremble at the sound of my name

Fishing isn't a matter of life and death....It's much more important

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...

Gone Fishin'....be back dark-thirty !

Here...fishy...fishy...fishy !!

Good things come to those who bait

I don't exaggerate...I just remember BIG !!!

I only fish on days that end in "Y"...

Lure the Best !!

Men and fish are alike....
They both get into trouble when they open their mouths

Old Fisherman never die, they just smell that way!

To fish or not to fish...
NOT TO FISH ?? Yea...like that's even an option !

Wishin' I was fishin'

YOU CAN SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS BY THE SIZE OF THEIR RODS

AMERICAN BY BIRTH-FISHERMAN BY CHOICE

COULD YOU FISH ANY BETTER IF THAT POLE WAS UP YOUR ASS?

FISH HARD...YOU CAN REST WHEN YOU DIE

I STARTED THE DAY WITH NO FISH AND I STILL HAVE PLENTY LEFT

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER

I GOT THIS BOAT FOR MY WIFE-GOOD TRADE

LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO FISH WITHOUT BEER

IF YOU CAN’T FISH WITH THE BIG BOYS
KEEP YOUR ASS ON THE DOCK

SHUT UP AND FISH

I LIVE WITH FEAR EVERYDAY, BUT SOMETIMES SHE LET’S ME GO FISHING

WOMEN WANT ME - FISH FEAR ME

STOP BITCHIN AND START FISHIN

I SUPPORT CATCH AND EAT

SO MANY FISH-SO LITTLE TIME

I FEAR NO FISH

The Fishing Priest

The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect
Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed
he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite spot.

The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike,
and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught - although he had seen
bigger ones., A half hour* later, he caught the biggest fish he had ever
seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the
world record.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching the priest from
heaven. St. Peter turned to God, and said, "How can you reward this
priest? He lied. He let down his congregation."

God smiles at St. Peter, and replies, "I'm punishing him."

St. Peter is confused, so God continues, "Well, after he finishes, who
can he tell his story to?"

How's the Fishing?

Fellow was fishing. Guy walks up and says, "How's the fishing?"

Fellow says, "Fishin's fine."

Guy says, "How many you got?"

Fellow says, "None."

Guy says, "None? Thought you said the fishin's fine!"

Fellow says, "Fishin' is fine, catchin's bad!"

The Ice Fisherman

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman frilled a hole in the ice and
peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down
there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered
into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and
again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

Scales

A man had been planning on a fishing trip at a well known lake for some time. His friend had hearsabout this trip everyday for what seemed like forever. Finally when the man had returned from the fishing trip he went straight to the friends home. "how'd ya' do?, the friend asked. " Very well," exclaimed the man and with that hauled out a fat, twelve pound "Bucketmouth." "Aw that ain't nuttin!" exclaimed the friend. " Last year I caught a monster that weighed close to seventeen pounds." Then the man asked, "Why didn't you have him mounted?" The friend then replied," He tore off my line just before I got him in the landing net." The man then gave his friend a puzzled look and asked," Wait a minute now, how'd ya' know that he weighed seventeen pounds if'n he tore off your line before you got him in the boat?" As the friend began to walk away he turned around with a smile and said," When he jumped out of the water, I read his scales!"

Blonde Joke

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A
game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like
to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it." said the game warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as the game warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are Steelheads in this river?"

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE ADVISORY......

In light of the increasing number of bear confrontations with outdoors persons, the National Park Service advises all outdoor persons (hunters, fishermen, hikers, campers, etc...) to sew small silver bells to their clothing to prevent them from startling any bears. It is further recommended that all outdoors persons carry pepper spray for their protection. These persons should also familiarize themselves with the sign of these animals and should for example know the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces are small and contain berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces are much larger and contain small silver bells and smell like pepper spray.

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Safe Boating Tips

When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the boat into the water can really mess up your carburetor.

When water skiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis.

Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of you.

While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not help.

When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it easier on the guys with the grapling hook when they're trying to retrieve your body.

Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath. And you don't even want to think about what it does to your complexion.

Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard. Also, it's a good idea to take along something to read, in case you're swallowed by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick.

Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's stupid in all of them.

A Drunk Goes Ice Fishing

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky, "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He shrugs and starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts, "I have warned you three times now.
There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied, "I am the manager of this hockey rink."

Two old fishermen

Two old fishermen were sitting on a bridge catching a few crappies when a hearse went by. The first man put down his rod and removed his hat. After the hearse was gone his friend said "Bill that was real nice showing respect for the dead like that". To which Bill replied "It was the least I could do, we would have been married 40 years next month".

Young-in's

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him."Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and
Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will
charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and
jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

The Man and the Game Warden

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH"

"What fish?" the man asked.

Keep Them Warm

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish
after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few
minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

The Farmer, The Warden, The Dynamite

Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said "If you don't show me your fishing spot , I'm going to have to close you down." The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden's jaw is on the deck. He can't talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can't believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk.

You might be a fisherman if...

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) BobberStop Tackle Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone.

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Frustrated Game Warden

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

Catching Dinner

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you? Why do you want me to throw them at you? Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them. Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. But why? Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.

$75.00 Fish

Two fishermen travel 100 miles to try out a new fishing spot. They buy a variety of bait and lures and rent a boat. After a long day of fishing, the two fishermen return to the dock. The first fisherman pulls their only catch from the live well, a scrawny bass just legal size. He says, Boy! This fish cost us about $75. The second fisherman says, Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more.

10 Clues That You’ve Chosen The Wrong Fishing Guide

1. He's got the open engine manual sitting on the console next to the controls.
2. He screams "Yeehaa," as he turns the boat away from the dock and pushes the throttle forward.
3. He thinks it's an asset that he can drive so fast that he gets the boat completely out of the water.
4. It takes him two hours and twenty-five minutes to reach your fishing destination on a five hour
charter.
5. He can't stop laughing when he realizes that his brother the Sheriff gave you a speeding ticket on your way to his boat, and says nothing about getting the ticket cancelled.
6. He casually tells you that on days he can't get a charter he's a delivery driver for Pizza Hut.
7. He goes on for hours about how boats are safer than cars, but only because there are less
vehicles directly next to one to hit. He runs aground three times during this oration.
8. He goes on for hours about his alien abduction experiences, with much detail given to the tests
they supposedly performed on him.
9. The other fishing guides hold up protective religious icons as he passes by.
10. At the end of the day's catchless fishing, he begs you to allow him to use your name as a
reference, because none of his other 110 charters would.

Things You Should Never Say at a Strange Tackle Shop

"All right, whose going to be a sport and show me their favorite fishing hole?"
"Anyone know who owns the red pick-up out front that I just hit?"
About the shop's merchandise: "Look at all this antique tackle."
"Let me tell you about a fish I once caught..."
"What! No high-tech lures? How can you people catch anything?"
"One of you has got to be named Bubba...let me guess."
"You do take travelers checks, don't you?"
"Your rods look as if they were wrapped at the Lighthouse Project for the Blind."
About a picture hung behind the cash register: "Are those some ugly fish you caught or is that a
family portrait?"
"I only use imported hooks."
"I need a new rod. Do you have anything in blue to match my reel?"
When a woman walks into the shop: "Want to see my lure?"
And never, ever say: "You call this live bait? Why, in New York we..."

Jokes

A guy rings his boss.
I can't come to work today.
The boss asks why?
The Guy says it's my eyes.
What's wrong with your eyes the boss asks?
I just can't see myself coming to work,
so I'm going fishing instead.

Q. What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A. A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Q. If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
A. Finland.

Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?
A. FSH!!!!

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam.

Q. Father: I hear you skipped school to play football!
A. Son: Non I didn't! And I have the fish to prove it!

Q. How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out?
A. I don't know the answer but I believe I'm nearly there.

Q. What is the definition of a 'Fisherman's Thumb'?
A. A temporary hook holder.

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